Snape Wouldnt Say
by phukdup
Summary: A collection of Drabbles depicting things that Snape Wouldnt Say. Often AU. NEW SPECIAL CHRISTMAS CHAPTER UP NOW!
1. Chapter 1

**You know what this is! I haven't a clue how long it will go for, maybe forever, but stick with me if you like. Send me your suggestions as well and I shall give you full credit and put a smiley face next to your name!**

**SNAPE WOULDN'T SAY**

**Part 1**

Its lunch, Snape comes running through the Great Hall yelling.

Snape: OH MY GOD SHUT UP EVERY BODY! QUICK YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE THIS!!!!!

Dumbledore: "What is it Severus, is Voldemort attacking?!?!?"

Snape: "NO!!! ITS WAY BETTER, OPRAH IS ON AND SHE IS HAVING JOHNNY DEPP ON THE SHOW TODAY!!! EVERYBODY FOLLOW ME, I HAVE A HIGH DEFFINITION BIG SCREEN IN MY DUNGEONS, AN HE IS SOOOO HOT!!!!!!!!

Every female in the room runs after Snape, and even some guys, including Malfoy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys ive been working on some of your ideas and should have them up next chapta! (yes i meant to say chapta home slice) In the mean time i will give you one I had in a dream, and yes, I dream about Harry Potter, but dont we all? Also some of you complained about it being in script version. My bad, I shall change this as of now. Also to those who read my other story, Taming the Loner, I know its taking forever to update, I wrote another chaper but i left it on my dads computer so you have to wait another week. Sorry!**

First day of potions class in Sorcerers Stone:

"Ah, Mr. Potter, our new celebrity. Tell me what would I get if I added powdered asphodel with an infusion of worm wood?" asked Snape

Harry shook his head

You dont know? Well lets try again. Where, Mr. Potter, would you go if I asked you to find me a bezor?"

"I dont know sir," answered Harry

"What is the difference between monkswood and wolfbane?"

"I dont know sir"

"What, Mr. Potter, would you do... for a Klondike Bar?"

"I dont... wait, what?"

"You heard me."

"Well I dont know!"

"You certianly dont know alot do you Potter?"

"Well what the hell would you do for a Klondike Bar?!"

"I would prostitiute myself on street corners to the gneral public!"

"EWW!!"

"Class, listen up! I wat a three page essay on what you would do for a Klondike bar! And I want details people, details! How long will you give that old woman a foot massage, how much whipped cream will you lick off of Oprah, how manny fat hairy mens backs will you shave? The student with the best essay will get none other than a Klondike Bar from yours truly!"

The class rung with joyus cries of "woo hoo" and "hell yeah!"

"What does this have to do with Potions?"

"Shut up Potter nobody likes you!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Its the Snape Wouldnt Say Christmas Special, yay!**

Twas the day before Christmas break, and all through the castle, every student was incredibly loud and unmanagable, and there were no mice but if there were they would probably be just as anoying.

It was a cold and snowy day on Hogwarts grounds, and in the Potions classroom located in the dungeons was so cold that poor Ron had to have his finger amputated due to frostbite. Even Potions class was loud and unruley but Snape was too distracted by the upcoming Holiday to care. This year he was determined to catch Santa on Christmas eve. Oh sure there were those students determined to break his faith, who told him Santa wasnt real, but he knew better, and so did Dumbledore who always told him to never stop believing, and Dumbledore knew everything! Yet still his students mocked him, and he was getting tired of it, so he wrote a letter and asked Santa to come to visit him in class to prove those little shits wrong. Today was the last day before break however, and Snape had his doubts, so if he didnt come, Snape would capture Santa and show him to his students and make everyone believe!

"Dude you guys, I cant believe snape seriously believes in Santa Clause still!" said Ron attempting to stir his potion with his hand missing a finger.

"I know! Didn't anybody ever tell him Santa wasnt real?" said Harry, who hadn't even started his potion yet.

"You know, I heard he wrote to Santa and asked to come into one of his classes and prove he exsisted, "said Hermione, who was already done with her potion, which turned out to be heavily boozed eggnogg for the staff Christmas party.

"Haha! Theres no way Santa is coming if he doesnt exsit!" said Ron loudly enough for Snape to look up and respond.

"Just you wait and see! Santa does exsist!" said Snape angrily.

"Oh yeah? Well then how come I never get what I want for Christmas?" yelled Ron.

"Its not my fault Santa Hates the Jews!"

"I'm not Jewish!"

"Oh. Well its not my fault you are such a naughty boy!"

"Well its not my fault you still belive in a fictional fat ugly man who breaks into peoples homes and eats their cookies and drinks their milk!"

"LEAVE SANTA ALONE!!!!!"

"Chris Crocker much?" said Hermione under her breath.

"Fine, you know what? I'll make you a deal!" said Ron "If Santa shows up today, I will cut off my other index finger!!"

"Its a deal!" said snape, but just as they shook hands the door to the class room flew open.

There, standing before them, was a tall fat man wearing a red snow suit and a long white beard.

"OH MY GOD!!!!! SANTA!! SANTA!! Oh, I knew you would come! Feast your eyes on this sexiness bitches! Santa fucking Clause up in the hizz house!" said Snape exitedly.

"Ho Ho Ho, yes Severus I got your letter about all the non-believers you have here, and I thought I would come to help spread Christmas Cheer!" said Santa in a hearty, vaugely familiar voice.

"Yes! Now you all see the truth! Santa is totally real!"

"Wow, I seriously cant believe this, Snape was totaly right, Santa does exsist." said Harry dumbfoundedly.

"I seriously cant belive Ron has to cut off his finger now!" said Seamus from the corner of the classroom.

"Oh thats right! I believe a certain someone owes me their only remaining index finger." said Snape smugly.

"Oh come on! This is so not fair, I need my finger! What are you going to do with it?" said Ron.

"I plan on having it stuffed and mounted on display in the trophy case." said Snape seriously.

"But..."

"Now Ron you _did_ make a deal!" said Hermione.

"Fine! Someone get me a knife." said Ron looking sadly at Santa wishing he had only believed in the fat bastard with the twinkling blue eyes and the half moon specticals and the crooked nose and the dead hand and the... wait a minute! "Hey, wait a minute! Your not Santa! You're Dumbledore dressed up like Santa!"

"You are making a mistake, Ho Ho, dont you see? I am Santa Clause, Dumbledore is not me!" said Santa.

"Bull shit Dumbledore, Santa doesnt have a dead hand! He doesnt rhyme either."

"Albus, is that really you?" said Snape on the verge of tears.

"I... yes its me Severus, I came so you wouldnt think Santa forgot you." said Dumbledore solemly.

"But, you always told me Santa was real!" said Snape, tears now streaming down his face.

"I was lying to you, he isnt real. I'm sorry."

"Oh god!" siad Snape and he ran out of the room crying.

"Professer Dumbledore?" said Hermione

"Yes Miss Granger?"

"Why exactly didnt you tell him Santa wasnt real?"

"You just dont understand the joy of staying up on Christmas eve with Severus, baking cookies for Santa, letting him stay up in his PJ's to catch a glimps of Santa, and watching him fall asleep before he comes, and the look on his face when he wakes up the next morning and there are presents under the tree. Its priceless."

"But he's like, 40 years old!"

"Yes..." said Dubledore and he swept from the room.

"That was more than I ever needed to know about Snape," said Harry as he picked up Hermione's cauldron full of eggnogg and chugged it.


End file.
